Baby time July 5, 2009

Yep, they had the baby.  Thursday night we all went out for Karaoke (these people are Karaoke fiends, it’s weird…except that they are really good, so it makes sense?).  We went back to their house afterwards and not too long after that, Dan’s wife said she was having some pains.  They asked me to stay, so I timed her contractions for a few hours before they left for the hospital at 3:30 AM.  On Friday, the 3rd, she was born at 8:39 PM.  Momma and baby are happy and healthy.

That’s great and all, but really I just care that I was the FIRST person to know that she was in labor!  I TOTALLY won the friend battle!  Suck it, other friends!

(Also, I am terrified of infants.  Why are they so scary?)

How can I type when I have lost motor control? June 25, 2009

I have this friend.   This friend is a 23-year old guy who is a co-worker of mine.  In the last six months, he’s become a very good friend.  Tomorrow is his last day at work and I’m mourning his company terribly.  Not only that, but in 5 days his wife is due to give birth to their first child, so I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’m probably not going to be seeing very  much of him…well, ever again, I suppose.

(As an aside:  OH MY HOLY PRESHUS JEEZUS 23 YEARS OLD.  He and his wife are so relaxed and unperturbed by the fact that they are about to have a baby that is throws me into conniptions every time I am around them.  They are absolutely about to live my worst nightmare and yet they seem completely OK with it.  How is is possible that everyone in the world isn’t terrified of children?)

So, due to the impending conflagration that their life is about to become, we’ve all been scrambling to hang out with them as much as possible.  They are one of those couples that is up for anything at any time, which is awesome, and they are ridiculously fun to be around.  I am absolutely not one of those people,  but Dan (the friend) is ALSO one of those people who can logically and easily convince you that whatever he wants to do is the best idea in the world.

Now generally these aren’t outlandish schemes or anything- just playing cards until all manner of late hours and various other enjoyable activities, but last Friday night (when I was home all snug in bed, thankyouverymuch) at around midnight I got a rather hilarious text from him:

“Come to Foxwoods on Wednesday night for Karaoke with me and the girl who is going to turn you into a lesbian.”

Says I:  “Goodnight!”

Even yesterday morning when I went to work I had no intention of going with him.  Let me tell you why:

1.  Wednesday night:  Hello!  I’m a big girl with a big girl job!  Sometimes I even wear nice shoes.  I shouldn’t go out a’drinkin’ on Wednesday nights.

2.  Foxwoods:  A casino.  Ew.  They make me sad.  And on top of that, a casino in…

3. FUCKING CONNETICUIT.  Look, I realize that New England states are small, but I have to drive though A WHOLE ENTIRE OTHER STATE just to get to Conneticuit (which is too hard to spell, you assholes!  Change your name!).  I realize that the other state is Rhode Island, but you can just stop right there with your New England snidery!  It’s the principle, yo!

4.  Karaoke:  I have a passable voice, and I will shred some major and awesome tunes…when I am alone in my car by myself.  I may have spent 6 years in chorus in high school (in sequins!  Show Choir REPRESENT!), but I have no intention or desire to get up by my lonesome and pitchily embarass myself in front of strangers.  Thanks.  I’m all good there, friend!

5.  Lesbian:  Listen, y’all, I LOVE lesbians.  I even have some of my very own.  One in South Carolina (I love you leezle!) and my very own matching set up here in Massachusetts.  They are three of my favorite people in the world.  However, seriously- I am single and you aren’t going to convince me that way.  Here is a better way:  “There are going to be 7 tall brown-haired guys there who will appreciate your wit and intelligence and also think you are painfully hot.  You can take your pick.”  That is persuasive.  (Though, to Dan’s credit, he has introduced me to several of his hot, funny friends.  The jury is entirely out on whether they are in love with me like they should be.  Clearly they are morons.)

So you see what I’m saying?  EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THOSE THINGS IS UNAPPEALING TO ME.

And yet, inexplicably, I found myself sitting in Dan’s passenger seat as we made our way though Rhode Island last night after work, furiously scrolling through both of our iPods trying to find songs that we knew well enough to make asses out ourselves with.   How does he do this?  It is magic, I tell you!  It’s like he opens his mouth and unicorns prancing on rainbows come out and give you lollypops.

And we had an unbelievable time.  The Karaoke was top-fucking-notch.  I didn’t sing, but it was incredibly fun to watch an entire bar break it down to “The Humpty Dance” as performed by a middle-aged, overweight white guy who called himself AC Slater and knew every single word without checking the monitor once.  He is one of my favorite people.  Thank god he exists.

And then we left at 1 AM.  And drove through Connecticuit.  And then Rhode Island.  And then back to his house in Southern Massachusetts.  And then I picked up my car and drove back to my house  in Eastern Massachusetts.  And at 4:04 AM I walked in my door, collapsed in a heap somewhere in the vicinity of my bedroom, and staggered into work today for a delightful morning and afternoon with my boss as we sifted though files and files and files that dated back to 1981 (when I wasn’t even born!) as I pondered how quickly I could commit suicide using floppy discs and paper cuts (not quickly enough, damnation!).  I literally felt like I was going to die today.

And in a desperate attempt to try and keep myself from falling asleep at 5:30, I wrote this post (which took me SEVENTEEN HOURS because I can’t even remember where to put my fingers on the keyboard).   And normally I would try to come up with a witty and clever way to close this down, but seriously,  you’re lucky you got all that.  At least I’m not singing to you.

I beat the justice system! June 1, 2009

Back in November, I got a notice that was called up for state jury duty in Brockton, Massachusetts.   Now, Brockton isn’t very far from me, but you do stand about a 97% chance of getting shot at some point (and about 60% that’s its a shot to the head!), so there was a little bit of an inconvenience factor.  Unfortunately for the great state of Massachusetts (which, by the way, FUCK YOU for being cold of JUNE GODDAMN FIRST.  I actually had to wear a jacket today!), they called me in for the middle of January which was back when I was working 65 hours a week, coming home only to weep exhaustedly, then going back to work so it wasn’t really possible for me to go to jury duty.  You are allowed one deferrment, which I requested for June 1st.  How far away that seemed…

Well, here we are.  In March I got a new summons, and this time they had summoned me for FEDERAL jury duty (hoo-boy!  Lucky me!  The guy at our jury orientation told us this morning that we were part of the lucky .05% of the Massachusetts population who was chosen to serve in the Federal jury pool- “don’t you feel lucky!?” he asked, excitedly.  I don’t know.  Are you going to feel lucky when I PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE for being chipper at 8:15 in the morning?).  The federal courthouse in in Boston and our summons time was 8 AM.

Y’all, it takes me a long time to get from Plymouth to Boston in the mornings.  I still have to go in occasionally for work, and it is infuriating.   How in the hell did I do this for 11 months?!  For one thing, I didn’t have to be at work until 9 AM, so that made it easier.  Needing to be at the courthouse at 8 AM meant that I took the 6:19 train this morning.  I was especially amused by the fact that I got home at 4 AM on Saturday morning, and was getting up at 5 AM on Monday morning.  It feels a hell of a lot better on the OTHER side of o’fuck’o'clock than it does to be stumbling around towards an exciting morning of the grinding wheels of bureaucracy.

My jury summons made it very clear that I was to be expected to be ON CALL for summons for an entire two weeks, which gave me a pit in my stomach.  I’m really not in the least busy at work right now, but the idea of spending two weeks getting up that early and having to miss work was upsetting.  I don’t even want to think about my inbox when I get there tomorrow, much less after two weeks.  I was trying to come up with all kinds of ways that I could get them to reject me.  I figured I could make a convincing argument for being racist and/or a yankee-hater if they happened to ask me where I was from and another friend told me that I should harangue the Justice System for being corrupt, but I also kept hearing all kinds of stories about people still being required to serve no matter what crazy shit they spewed.  I was just hoping they wouldn’t like me (impossible, I know!).

When we got there, they told the group of about 90 of us that they were selecting the jury for 3 trials- one criminal and two civil- and that they were both likely to be long trials, probably taking the entire two weeks.  Damn.  They called us up in groups of 30.  Lucky for me I was in the last group, as the first ones who went got screened for two trials and I only got screened for one, so my chances were pretty good.  They called us into the (by the way- beautiful!) courtroom and introduced the case to us.  It was one of the civil trials- the EPA was suing a trucking company for (allegedly) violating emissions standards and falsifying their records.  My first thought was: “hell yeah!  I’m going to get to be an environmental activist!”  My second though was: “Hmm…that probably isn’t impartial.”  They asked us all kinds of questions about knowing any of the lawyers or having relatives or friends who worked for any of the interested parties, etc.  Then the judge asked “If you know any reason that you would be morally or ethically influenced to not be impartial to this case, please stand up.”  I stood.  They called me up to the bench with the lawyers and asked me to explain.  I told the judge that I was an active environmentalist and I had particlar interest in emissions standards.  I watched the defense lawyers eyebrows shoot OFF of his head as he scrawled something on his legal pad.  The Judge asked me if I thought it would influence my discision and I said “yeah, I’m pretty sure it would.”

About 5 minutes later I was excused as a juror!  Yay!  And I didn’t even have to make up a racist joke or anything!  Woo, Justice!

And also this May 25, 2009

It is no secret that I am cold-hearted and icy, so imagine my surprise when this awesome video of elementary school kids singing “Landslide” by Fleetwood Mac made rivulets of just-melted blood flow through my veins once again.

Happy Memorial Day May 25, 2009

Happy Memorial Day to everyone!  I especially want to thank my Daddy, who served as a Marine in Vietnam.

Daddy, thanks for protecting your loins and allowing me to embarrass you on the internet.

Love you!

Things I learned last night May 23, 2009

1.  1 Hour is not too far to drive for awesome Clam Chowder

2.  What a shortstop is.  It is virtually impossible to live in Massachusetts and avoid learning about baseball.  And I’ve tried so hard.

3. 7 pints of Bass is 1 too many.  I shoulda stopped at 6.

4.  Townie bars in Fairhaven, Massachusetts are SCARY.

5.  Unless they have good clam chowder.  And unless I can pick up the tab for our entire party of four (though one of them was pregnant, so she’s a pretty damn cheap date) for under $60.

6.  I have good friends who let me sleep on their sofa.  And who mysteriously get my car from the bar to their house.

7.  I need to start drinking more.  7 beers should not give me a hangover.  I’m out of practice.  See what happens when I leave the south?

!! May 20, 2009

Oh my god,  y’all!  I’m back!

So, it’s probably just a good idea to pretend that those last few months where I haven’t written a goddamn word were actually full of witty repartee and fabulous jokes.  We’ll all be better off that way.

So let’s just get all this yadda yadda shit out of the way, alright?

I still live in Massachusetts.  I moved to Plymouth in February and it is practically dripping with pilgrims.  In fact, I actually live with two honest-to-god pilgrims.   No really.  They work at Plymouth Plantation.  How ridiculously cool is that?

I’m still working for my giant non-profit and it still pays the bills and I don’t hate it very much.

And this past weekend I went to Washington DC where I held a meteorite worth 1 million dollars that fell in Egypt in the 1910 and, I quote here, “Burned a dog to ashes in mere seconds.”  Also I held another meteorite that is 4.5 BILLION years old and is literally the oldest thing on the planet.  I’m pretty sure that makes me the coolest person that you know.

Jealous?

And because I’ve sorta forgotten how to be funny in writing here’s a link to the best thing I’ve found on the innernets in ages:  Texts from last night.   You probably shouldn’t read this at work, because it made tears stream down my face and I tee-teed in my pants a little bit.  On several occasions.

Are people still even reading this site?   You should comment and let me know if I should try to revive it.

A belated thanks January 22, 2009

Hi All.

I just wanted to tell everyone “thanks.”

My inbox has been flooded with emails that have made me feel so wonderful.  Some from dear friends, some from strangers, but all so very meaningful.

When people ask me how I’m doing, my response is “actually, really well.”  This has been the oddest breakup I’ve ever gone though in that it hasn’t been awkward and it hasn’t been (terribly) hard.  Maybe it is because it was so mutual, maybe it’s because Pete and I had both come to the conclusion that it was bound to happen…I don’t know.  But I do know that the wonderful emails and comments and calls that I have gotten have made it so much easier.

How did I get so lucky to garner such support?  I feel so grateful to all of you…really.  Thank you.

Transitions January 14, 2009

I’m sorry that I haven’t been posting here lately.  I’ve only had one thing to talk about and I haven’t much felt like talking about it.  But I can’t deny it anymore, so here goes:

My relationship has fallen apart.

Pete and I broke up, officially, on Monday.  We broke up unofficially last Monday and even more unofficially a couple of months ago.  The fact is we’ve both been pretty miserable for quite some time, and I got to the point where I couldn’t handle it anymore.

Nothing big happened- no huge fight, no betrayals, no drama.  We just stopped loving each other.  We’re too different and our friendship wasn’t strong enough to pull us through the difficulties a relationship can bring.

So I’m in the process of trying to figure out what in the hell I’m doing and where I’m going and how I’m going to survive.  I know I can do it, because I’m strong and independent and smart, but it’s still pretty damn scary.

I’m sorry I’ve been silent about this, but I have a hard time admitting when there is a problem in my life that I don’t know how to fix.

Being alone in New England is a place that I never thought I’d be in, but here I am.

Acclimated December 9, 2008

Well, it’s official: I’m acclimated to New England. On Sunday morning, when Pete got up to go to church, he looked out the window and said “it’s snowing!” I opened one eye and said “is it sticking?” He said that it was, but not much. I asked him to open the blinds so Sophie could look at it (mesmerized!) and I barely glanced outside to see that it was falling pretty hard.

It was three hours later that I actually opened a curtain so I could really look at it, and my response to myself and Sophie was: “Damnation.”

Do you remember my rection to the first snow last year? 

Let’s just say I was a little excited.  Crazily excited.

Now I’m a jaded New Englander who is not impressed by snow.  Not at all.

In happy news:  It’s going to be 60 degrees tomorrow!! Now THAT is something to get out of bed about!

A conversation Tuesday night November 21, 2008

While sitting in front of the fireplace and musing about James Bond (Weird!):

Pete: Well, of course you know who the best James Bond is, right?

Me:  Of course!  It’s Sean Connery.

Pete:  Right!

Me:  The first and the best.

Pete:  Sean Connery wasn’t the first James Bond

Me: (jerking around to look at him, startled)  Say what?!  Of course he was!

Pete:  No, he wasn’t.  There was one guy before him.  He was only in one movie.  The one where James Bond got married.

Me:  No, you’re thinking of On Her Majesty’s Secret Service.  That was, like, the sixth movie or something.  I can’t remember that James Bond’s name, but that’s the guy who only did one.  (It’s George Lazenby, I found out.)

Pete:  No, that wasn’t the one.  It was the one where he got married…the first one…and then at the end..

Me:  Yeah…then at the end his wife got shot.  I remember.  It’s On her Majesty’s Secret Service.  And that wasn’t the first James Bond.  The first James Bond was Dr.  No.  Starring Sean Connery.  

Pete:  You’re wrong.

Me:  Oh HELL NO!  I am not wrong…I am 100% sure of this.

Pete:  Come on…I was born in the 70s and I’m a boy…I know these things.

Me:  Woah…you may be a boy and have disco fever, but I was once a strange 11 year old who read every single James Bond book and watched every single James Bond movie and had my life planned out exactly about how I was going to become a spy when I grew up (back me up here, Mom!).  Seriously…I’m right.

Pete:  Wanna bet?

Me:  YES!  Of course…because I’m right. 

Pete:  OK, what’s the bet.

Me:  If I’m right, I’ll clean the kitchen every day for a week…even when I cook.   If I’m wrong, for a whole week, you have to pick up my shoes wherever I leave them (he HATES this) AAAAND you have to make the bed every day. 

Pete:  I already make the bed everyday!

Me:  Yes, but you have to do it without bitching that I’m not helping you.

Pete: …

Pete:  OK, deal!

Me:  You’re going to learn a very valuable lesson about doubting my capacity for trivial knowledge…

_______

Yesterday, on gmail chat:

Me:  Have fun picking up my shoes, Jackass!

http://www.klast.net/bond/drno.html

Him:  Damn.

_______

My “predictions” November 7, 2008

OK, let this be a lesson to me that I have NO IDEA what I’m talking about when it comes to predictions.  Let’s visit what I got wrong, shall we?

Of the Swing States, I think Obama will win Virginia, Nevada, Colorado, North Dakota, Missouri, New Hampshire, Pennsylvania, and Ohio.

What actually happened:

Obama won Virginia, Nevada, Colorado, New Hampshire, Pennsylvania, and Ohio.

McCain held North Dakota and Missouri

I think McCain will hang on to Arizona, Montana, Indiana, North Carolina, and Florida.

What actually happened:

Obama won North Carolina (which was the biggest shocker of all to me), Indiana, and Florida.

McCain won Arizona and Montana.

I don’t think there will be any other surprises, but I think it will be very close in Ohio, Colorado, Florida and Indiana.

Surprises?  Indiana, North Carolina, that freaking one electoral vote in Nebraska.  Turns out Ohio, Colorado, and Florida weren’t so close after all.

With those results:

Obama: 325 Electoral Votes

McCain: 213 Electoral Votes

Hooboy.  Wrong again.  Actual results:

Obama: 364

McCain: 174

Wow.  Even I was thinking it would be closer than that…

I think Obama will win the popular vote easily, with a 10% margin.

He did win the popular vote easily, but not with a 10% margin- he only made it to 8%.  That, however, is still quite remarkable.  Especially when you consider that it works out to somewhere near 8 MILLION votes.  Wow.

I don’t think the Democrats will get to the magic number of 60 votes, but I think they will win at least 56 with Kay Hagan (NC), Jean Shaheen (NH), Al Franken (MN), and Begich (AK- the guy running against Ted Stevens) all winning.  I hope, hope, hope to see Jim Martin defeat the detestable Saxby Chambliss in Georgia.  In fact, I actually donated money to Jim Martin’s campaign because I hate Chambliss so much, but I don’t think Martin will be able to win.

What actually happened:  They didn’t get to 60, but at the moment they are sitting happily at 57 with Kay Hagan (Yay!) and Jean Shaheen winning outright.  Frankin and Begich are still undecided- with an automatic recount in the Franken race because it is so close and Begich and Stevens still waiting for the tens of thousands of absentee, early, and provisional ballots to be counted.  At this point, Franken is trailing and Begich is leading- but they are both far from decided.  And on that note, WTF, Alaska?  HE’S A CONVICTED FELON!

The excellent news out of Georgia is that they are going to a runoff!  Chambliss won by a little, but in GA candidates must get at least 51% of the vote to win.  Chambliss only got 49.8%  Runoff is on Dec 2.  Here’s hoping Dems will come out again!

I think the Democrats will do well in the house as well, but I’m not following those races enough to be able to predict anyone winning.

And they did, quite well.

I don’t think there will be any snafus of a Florida 2000 level, but I think there will be several states that finally come in very late and very contested tonight.

I don’t think it will matter.  Obama will win early.

I was actually correct on all of these predictions.  Looks like everything went smoothly and quickly.  NC and MO were very late in reporting- in fact, CNN STILL hasn’t called MO for McCain, though most others have.

But I was right.  I didn’t matter.  Obama DID Win early.  Considering that in 2004 I was weeping at 4 AM and Kerry didn’t concede until the next day, getting to bed before 1 AM was quite wonderful!  And we knew he won much earlier that that.  As soon as Ohio was called (and on some stations, as soon at PA was called), people knew McCain was done.  I just stayed up to watch the speeches.

What this means November 5, 2008

Many of you know that my education is in History.  Specifically American History.  Specifically Ante-Bellum American History.  Specifically the American South in the 18th Century.

In that focus, it’s impossible to not study and be aware of the impact of slavery and race in our history.  To say it is important is a great understatement.  It is the lasting carryover of our dark, shameful history in this country.  Slavery and racism is our sad legacy and the lasting effects of it can be felt all over America.

I’m writing this not as a joyful, gleeful, hopeful Democrat (which, naturally, I AM!), but as an observer and student of the history of our country.  What I’m about to write is not partisan.

Last night, as I was watching Obama’s acceptance speech, tears were streaming down my face.  And it wasn’t even his eloquent, beautiful words.  It was a keen awareness of the fact that I was watching history being made.  I was a part of history.  The feeling and the awareness was overwhelming to me.  It’s something I’ve never felt before- not truly.

“Watching history being made” is a statement that is bandied about without much concern for what it means these days.  People always think that what happens in their lifetimes will be everlasting, but it isn’t the case.  Almost everything becomes a footnote, only focused on and studied by historians with specific, esoteric fields of study.  The 2000 and 2004 elections will not be widely remembered in 200 years.  I’m even prepared to say that George Bush will not be widely remembered- even though his is officially our most unpopular president ever.   Kids in advanced history classes in High School will memorize his name and some cute little mnemonic to remember that he was 43, but his legacy- good or bad- will not endure for centuries.  I know it is hard to imagine, given our passions about him and his politics, but people were just as passionate about Taft (remembered for getting stuck in his bathtub) and Chester A. Arthur (remembered for his especially ridiculous facial hair).

But what happened last night was different.  This is a date that little kids will have to memorize.  This is a man who statues will be built for and High Schools will be named after.  This isn’t politics, this is an honest-to-god defining moment in American History.  This is as significant as Cornwallis surrendering to George Washington in Yorktown, VA.  This is as significant as a group of soldiers in Charleston, S.C firing on US Soldiers at Ft. Sumter.  This is as significant as the Constitutional Convention.  This is a Pearl Harbor.

That we have gone from a Nation built on the back of slaves only 150 years ago, and a nation that murdered black men and women trying to vote 70 years ago to a  country that just elected a black man as our leader is something to truly be proud of.   Our changing nation is miraculous.

I feel like this is a moment to savor- a moment to ignore the political squabbling and the division and the arguments and the anger and frustration and disappointment (and trust me, as a Democrat, boy do I ever know how you feel) and to just embrace that we have become a nation that has just thrown off the largest lasting yoke of inequality in this country.   Today, we are truly all Americans.  We truly all have a voice.  We truly belong to one United nation.

I am so awed.  And so proud.

World Changing November 5, 2008

I am truly overwhelmed by the historical significance of this moment.  I cannot put it into words just yet…but this is beautiful.

Predictions November 4, 2008

Of the Swing States, I think Obama will win Virginia, Nevada, Colorado, North Dakota, Missouri, New Hampshire, Pennsylvania, and Ohio.

I think McCain will hang on to Arizona, Montana, Indiana, North Carolina, and Florida.

I don’t think there will be any other surprises, but I think it will be very close in Ohio, Colorado, Florida and Indiana.

With those results:

Obama: 325 Electoral Votes

McCain: 213 Electoral Votes

I think Obama will win the popular vote easily, with a 10% margin. 

I don’t think the Democrats will get to the magic number of 60 votes, but I think they will win at least 56 with Kay Hagan (NC), Jean Shaheen (NH), Al Franken (MN), and Begich (AK- the guy running against Ted Stevens) all winning.  I hope, hope, hope to see Jim Martin defeat the detestable Saxby Chambliss in Georgia.  In fact, I actually donated money to Jim Martin’s campaign because I hate Chambliss so much, but I don’t think Martin will be able to win. 

I think the Democrats will do well in the house as well, but I’m not following those races enough to be able to predict anyone winning.

I don’t think there will be any snafus of a Florida 2000 level, but I think there will be several states that finally come in very late and very contested tonight.

I don’t think it will matter.  Obama will win early.

What do you think?  Will there be any surprises?  Please share!