My trip to Baltimore this weekend

Presented in a convenient, easy-to-compose format that allows me to not have to think too much.

[4 months ago]


 My friend with the pregnant wife:  Hey!  A bunch of people who you’ve never met and only heard of twice my friends are going to drive down to Baltimore to see that team that you are completely indifferent tothe Sox play at Camden Yards.  Wanna come?

Me:  Not even a little bit!  But thanks for asking!

[1 month ago]



My friend with the baby (Baby Dan, in case you weren’t following):  Hey!  Remember that trip that I planned a long time ago when you didn’t know anyone and now you’ve met a lot of my friends and some of them are now your friends and you learned that I pick the absolute greatest people in the world to hang out with?  You know, to see that team that you used to not care about and now you watch most of their games and know their players and are actually starting to enjoy?  At that beautiful stadium that is so famous? Someone dropped out and we have an extra ticket.  Wanna come?

Me:  OH MY GOD!  I was so angry at myself for being silly and unadventurous and I was never going to forgive myself for missing what is going to be such a fun time because I was a wuss and worried about not knowing anyone! Yes!  A lot!  Thanks for asking!



[7 AM]


Me:  WOOO!  Road trip!

Swing Dan (Yeah, the guy I’m taking swing with!):  Woooo!  Can we get some coffee now?

Me: …you have a 75 oz. cup of ice coffee in your hand right now?

Swing Dan:  Yeah, I’ll need more.  Can we get some coffee now?

Friend 1: Wooo!  Road Trip!

Friend 2:  *snores*


[7:45 AM]


Me:  Woo!  Rhode Island!


[7:47 AM]


Me:  Wooo!  Connecticut!  (You see what I did there?  How I made fun of Rhode Island for being small?  I am funny.)


[9:45 AM, still in Connecticut]


Text Message from Baby Dan, who is in another vehicle with most of the other people:  OK!  We’re leaving.

Swing Dan:  WTF?  How are they just now leaving?

Friend 1:  Dude, they are going to be late.

Swing Dan:  Cutting it close, for sure.

Me, texting furiously:  Do you have the tickets with you?

Baby Dan:  Yes.

Most of the car:  *is horrified*

Friend 2:  *snores*


[10: 30 AM]


Sign:  Welcome to New York!  The Empire State! 

Me:  Wooo!  New York!

New York Traffic:  *Grinds to halt*

New York Traffic:  [Haha!  Fuck you, anyone trying to get anywhere in this goddamn state!  I’ll show you traffic]

My brake lights:  [Jesus Christ!  What did I ever do to you?]

Friend 2:  *wakes up* 

Friend 2:  Yankees Suck!  

Friend 2:  *goes back to sleep*


[Nineteen THOUSAND hours later]


Swing Dan:  Alright!  We’ve been 14 miles!

Me:  I can’t muster up a “wooo” right now.


[1 PM]


Me:  Wooo!  New Jersey!

New Jersey on I-95: [Please enjoy my scenic smoke stacks and industrial complexes!  And look, here are some beautiful strip malls!  Lovely!  Also, I’m not going to label any of my exits with town names, so good luck trying to figure out where you are!  Thank you for visiting the “Garden State.”  Aren’t we hilarious?]

*insert 900 jokes about how much Jersey sucks*

Swing Dan:  At least the traffic isn’t bad!

New Jersey Traffic:  *grinds to a halt*

Swing Dan:  Fuck.


[2:28 PM]


Friend 1, looking through an atlas for entertainment:  Here’s a place called Fortescue!

Me:  *makes reference to obscure Harry Potter character Florean Fortescue*

Friend 1:  *gets it*

Me:  *mind is blown*

Me:  I think we need to be better friends.




New Jersey Turnpike Toll Booth:  [Thank you for visiting New Jersey!  Now bend over and spread ’em]

All of us:  Ow!  Our Rectums!




Me:  Wooo!  Delaware!

Toll Booth 1:  [Still smarting from Jersey?  Don’t worry, this won’t hurt as much!]

Toll Booth 2, 6 miles later:  [That’s right!  Another one!  We know you’re only here for 11 miles, but we have no sales tax, so you’re fucked]

Friend 1:  I’m glad that we’ve spent more in tolls than we did for the actual tickets.


[4:15 PM]


Me:  Wooooo!  Maryland!  We’re almost there!

Friend 1:  So, does anyone know where we’re going when we get to Baltimore?

All of us:  *Looking around inquisitively*

The car:  *crickets*

Swing Dan:  Look!  A friendly Maryland Welcome Center.  Lets stop, shall we?  Perhaps they can tell us WHERE THE HELL WE ARE GOING.

Maryland Welcome Center:  *Is helpful!  Here are some maps!  Good luck in Baltimore, Morons!*


[5:30 PM]


Me:  Woooo!  Baltimore, here we are!

30,000 Red Sox Fans milling around Camden Yards:  Woooo!  Go Sox!  Woooooo!

7 Orioles Fans fighting through the crowd:  Goddamn Sox.  This sucks.

Parking Garage 2 blocks from the Stadium:  [Parking!  1o dollars!  Flat rate!  Yeah, that’s right- 2 blocks from the stadium!  How much does that cost you in Boston?  40 Bucks?  How ya like Baltimore now?]

All of us:  Baltimore is awesome!


[6:00 PM]


Friends from Maryland who we met down there, on phone:  Come meet us right by the stadium!  Cheap beer!


[6:05 PM]


Beer guy:  Two beers for 5 bucks!  Right here! 

Me:  Holy Shit!  2 for 5 bucks!  And it’s good beer!  Yuengling!  Blue Moon!  Carlsbad!

All of us:  Dude.  Baltimore is really awesome!

Every single person within 100 feet of me:  Woooo!  Go Sox!

Swing Dan:  Are there any Orioles fans even here?

Camden Yards:  [Now do you get why they call me Fenway South?]

Me:  *is glad I bought that Red Sox tshirt last night*


[6:45 PM]


Baby Dan, via Text:  Yeah, we’re going to be late.  But not by much!

Me, increasingly drunk:  GET YO ASS HERE RIGHT NOW.


[7:05 PM]


Baseball Game:  *starts*

Swing Dan:  OK!  I’m on the phone with Baby Dan!  They are here!  Quick!  This way!


[7:08 PM]


Camden Yards:  *CRACK*

Camden Yards:  *Errupts with cheers*

All of us, making the same lame and obvious joke:  Heh.  I guess the Sox did something good.  Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.

(Shut up.  Did you read that earlier part about 2 for 5 beers?)


[7:10 PM]


Everyone:  There they are!  *rejoicing ensues*

Our Seats:  *are great*

Camden Yards: *is beautiful*

The Sox:  *win that shit*



So we had a wonderful time.   We ended up crashing in Maryland that night with some friends then drove home the next day, via an alternate route through Western Pennsylvania and north of NYC on the Tappan Zee bridge.  It took quite a bit longer- about 10 hours with stops for lunch and such- but it was incredibly beautiful.  It was really a lovely drive.

So a good weekend.  Great, in fact.


6 responses to this post.

  1. Okay, crazy woman, how can you go to Baltimore twice in a year without actually knowing how to get to your final destination?! Is this just something that happens in Baltimore, or a general phenomenon? I still have your text message on my phone from costume con, with the “where are we going?” craziness.

    Also: re, the second Delaware toll, that happens right outside of Mike’s hometown. There is an easy way to avoid them, I think, that Mike normally uses. But you can feel happy (maybe?) knowing you’ve helped supoort the highways in Mike’s home state. And believe me, Delaware needs all the help it can get. Mike still meets people who don’t know it’s a state, or think it’s in New England.


    • Ha! Gloria, all I could think was: Gloria will be so disappointed in me!

      But, to be fair, someone else was supposedly taking care of all of this…I was just providing the vehicle!


  2. Posted by Teresa on August 3, 2009 at 11:39 am

    Hehehe–loved the summary of all the states along the northeast coast!

    And seriously, if you thought it was sad for the Orioles with all the Red Sox fans at the game, imagine how bad it is for the poor DC Nationals! Even if they weren’t in the running this year for worst team in the history of EVER, there’s still always more fans of the other team at their home games! 😛


  3. Posted by sandie on August 3, 2009 at 7:40 pm

    I could give a shit about baseball but I must admit that the very few pro games I have been to in Atlanta have always been a great adventure–including the one that was rain-delayed for about four hours and all we could do was sit in the stands and drink cheap beer and then drive home for two hours after the game ended at 1:00 a.m. and then get up and go to work at 7:00 the next morning! But we were young; we could do it; we definitely could not do it now.

    However, the best part of this story is Taylor’s creative, interesting, scarcastic, descriptive style of writing–I just love it!!


  4. Posted by Ezra on August 3, 2009 at 9:49 pm

    Let’s do this in order…

    Umm, Rhode Island. (said in a Homer Simpson voice)

    Bronx Bombers rule all.

    The NJ turnpike — wonderful memories of childhood. Seriously. They are good memories. Like the time I was six and saw a limo for (maybe) the first time and my immediate reaction was to look at my mom and say, “Do you think it might be Michael Jackson?” Years late I realized that me saying that at age six might have been wrong.

    Ooh, look, we don’t know where we’re going in Baltimore. Ooh, look, we’re dead. Seriously — how can one of the most prestigious medical schools in the world be in the middle of the most frightening place I’ve ever seen?

    Did I mention the Sox suck?


  5. Posted by sandie on August 6, 2009 at 9:11 pm

    The other thing I love about this blog is all the creative, descriptive, scarcastic, historically-hilarious styles of writing from the people that contribute to Taylor’s stories. I got an email today from my sister who said she had spent four hours (while at work) reading and re-reading all of the recent (and ancient) posts and comments on this blog and everyone kept asking her why she was laughing her ass off so much.

    All of you guys and ladies are just great and I am glad that you are Taylor’s friends; I wish that I knew you personally…

    Oh damn! I just realized that I posted right after Ezra again…my bad, Ezra!


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