How can I type when I have lost motor control?

I have this friend.   This friend is a 23-year old guy who is a co-worker of mine.  In the last six months, he’s become a very good friend.  Tomorrow is his last day at work and I’m mourning his company terribly.  Not only that, but in 5 days his wife is due to give birth to their first child, so I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’m probably not going to be seeing very  much of him…well, ever again, I suppose.

(As an aside:  OH MY HOLY PRESHUS JEEZUS 23 YEARS OLD.  He and his wife are so relaxed and unperturbed by the fact that they are about to have a baby that is throws me into conniptions every time I am around them.  They are absolutely about to live my worst nightmare and yet they seem completely OK with it.  How is is possible that everyone in the world isn’t terrified of children?)

So, due to the impending conflagration that their life is about to become, we’ve all been scrambling to hang out with them as much as possible.  They are one of those couples that is up for anything at any time, which is awesome, and they are ridiculously fun to be around.  I am absolutely not one of those people,  but Dan (the friend) is ALSO one of those people who can logically and easily convince you that whatever he wants to do is the best idea in the world.

Now generally these aren’t outlandish schemes or anything- just playing cards until all manner of late hours and various other enjoyable activities, but last Friday night (when I was home all snug in bed, thankyouverymuch) at around midnight I got a rather hilarious text from him:

“Come to Foxwoods on Wednesday night for Karaoke with me and the girl who is going to turn you into a lesbian.”

Says I:  “Goodnight!”

Even yesterday morning when I went to work I had no intention of going with him.  Let me tell you why:

1.  Wednesday night:  Hello!  I’m a big girl with a big girl job!  Sometimes I even wear nice shoes.  I shouldn’t go out a’drinkin’ on Wednesday nights.

2.  Foxwoods:  A casino.  Ew.  They make me sad.  And on top of that, a casino in…

3. FUCKING CONNETICUIT.  Look, I realize that New England states are small, but I have to drive though A WHOLE ENTIRE OTHER STATE just to get to Conneticuit (which is too hard to spell, you assholes!  Change your name!).  I realize that the other state is Rhode Island, but you can just stop right there with your New England snidery!  It’s the principle, yo!

4.  Karaoke:  I have a passable voice, and I will shred some major and awesome tunes…when I am alone in my car by myself.  I may have spent 4years in chorus in high school (in sequins!  Show Choir REPRESENT!), but I have no intention or desire to get up by my lonesome and pitchily embarass myself in front of strangers.  Thanks.  I’m all good there, friend!

5.  Lesbian:  Listen, y’all, I LOVE lesbians.  I even have some of my very own.  One in South Carolina (I love you leezle!) and my very own matching set up here in Massachusetts.  They are three of my favorite people in the world.  However, seriously- I am single and you aren’t going to convince me that way.  Here is a better way:  “There are going to be 7 tall brown-haired guys there who will appreciate your wit and intelligence and also think you are painfully hot.  You can take your pick.”  That is persuasive.  (Though, to Dan’s credit, he has introduced me to several of his hot, funny friends.  The jury is entirely out on whether they are in love with me like they should be.  Clearly they are morons.)


And yet, inexplicably, I found myself sitting in Dan’s passenger seat as we made our way though Rhode Island last night after work, furiously scrolling through both of our iPods trying to find songs that we knew well enough to make asses out ourselves with.   How does he do this?  It is magic, I tell you!  It’s like he opens his mouth and unicorns prancing on rainbows come out and give you lollypops.

And we had an unbelievable time.  The Karaoke was top-fucking-notch.  I didn’t sing, but it was incredibly fun to watch an entire bar break it down to “The Humpty Dance” as performed by a middle-aged, overweight white guy who called himself AC Slater and knew every single word without checking the monitor once.  He is one of my favorite people.  Thank god he exists.

And then we left at 1 AM.  And drove through Connecticuit.  And then Rhode Island.  And then back to his house in Southern Massachusetts.  And then I picked up my car and drove back to my house  in Eastern Massachusetts.  And at 4:04 AM I walked in my door, collapsed in a heap somewhere in the vicinity of my bedroom, and staggered into work today for a delightful morning and afternoon with my boss as we sifted though files and files and files that dated back to 1981 (when I wasn’t even born!) as I pondered how quickly I could commit suicide using floppy discs and paper cuts (not quickly enough, damnation!).  I literally felt like I was going to die today.

And in a desperate attempt to try and keep myself from falling asleep at 5:30, I wrote this post (which took me SEVENTEEN HOURS because I can’t even remember where to put my fingers on the keyboard).   And normally I would try to come up with a witty and clever way to close this down, but seriously,  you’re lucky you got all that.  At least I’m not singing to you.


2 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by Sandie on July 3, 2009 at 11:15 pm

    Was the baby ever born?


  2. Posted by Sandie on July 4, 2009 at 7:05 pm

    Please say CONGRATULATIONS to Dan and his wife for the arrival of little Penelope…their lives will never be the same and this will be the most joyous, unbelievable event they will ever experience (well, once the colic goes away…) And please tell them that is perfectly okay and normal to spend hours at a time just staring at her…and crying tears of sheer joy is not only perfectly acceptable but totally unavoidable…


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