Archive for February, 2007

Destiny, I tell you! DESTINY!

While talking to Pete on the phone 2 nights ago:

Pete (Frustrated and exasperated after chaperoning a field trip to a historic site he hates): …I hate the industrial revolution! It’s so boring, and mind-numbing, and worthless. Why would anyone want to study the industrial revolution!? I wish it never happened! It’s so…

Me (interrupting, because he’s been going on for about 3 solid minutes now): Darling, you do realize that if the industrial revolution never happened, we wouldn’t be dating.

Pete (thrown off at my interruption): Wha…Wait, what? Of course we would, don’t be silly. And another thing, the industrial revol….

Me: No! Because there wouldn’t be telephones so we couldn’t have this conversation. And there wouldn’t be airplanes so we couldn’t visit each other. And, also! No computers, so I couldn’t have sent you flirtatious emails and made you fall in love with me!

Pete (now exasperated at me, and no longer the industrial revolution): No! It was destiny! Shut up!

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Do it for the children!

Oddly, the most common blogs that I read are parenting blogs. I would say about 80% of the blogs that I read on a daily basis are written by parents, and they almost always are writing about their children. Now I realize that this is completely crazy because:

1. I don’t like children

2. I don’t have children

3. I am not likely to have children any time in the foreseeable future

4. I do not need to commiserate with these parents, or share in their joy of the triumph of pottytraining or whatever it is that they do.

So why do I read these? Because, as much as I dislike kids, they are so fracking funny.

Observe this little song composed by the 4 year-old son who lives at Finslippy (and really, you should go there and read the whole entry. It is brilliant):

I love love you so much
I just can’t handle it
Behold Mommy! You’re the best one ever!
[whispering] but I wish you were a better one

I’ll just let you pause here to wipe the tears off of your face.

…..

…..

Seriously, y’all, kids are funny. Maybe I will have one of those things one day. But only if it is a funny one. Because, if it isn’t, you know where it is going!

(Right here, baby!)

(of course I’m kidding! GAH! That one is only for mixed paper and cardboard!)

And here is where I make fun of famous people who are prettier than me!

Oscar roundup!

I saw almost none of the movies nominated this year, which is a shame. I have every intention to, but, you know…I just didn’t. Anyway, I thought this was the funniest Oscars I have seen in a long time. Ellen was brilliant and I didn’t even get sick of her! Jack Black, Will Ferrell, and John C. Rielley were my favorite part. Even Jerry Seinfield made me laugh out loud with the documentary introduction.

I was so glad that Helen Mirren won, as everyone knew she would. She was truly magnificent in The Queen, and is the most beautiful 61 year-old I have ever seen. Note to Alan Alda: Don’t put it on the damn floor! And is to too much to ask for you to memorize your speece? You’re an actor for Christ’s sake! I LOVED the little vignettes they did for the costume design award. Excellent idea. And how cool were the dancers? They were amazing.

And, of course, my favorite moment.

Now! On with the pretty frocks!

-As much as I dislike her, she almost always looks amazing at award shows

-You need to get to the doctor to have that boil lanced, Nic! It’s getting out of control

-I want to own this dress. I love it. She looks beautiful, but her hair is bothering me.

-Love the color, but that is just too much dress. Can you imagine dragging all those dead birds around all night?

-Fabulous Tux. One of my favorite males of the evening.

– Ok, look now. We need to talk. If you have a stylist, you need to fire her immediately. She is lying to you. If you don’t, you need to get one right now, because you are blind. Stop wearing ugly clothes!

– Most beautiful of the night, in my opinion. She looks like a greek goddess.

-I love you. Really I do. This dress is beautiful, but the color looks terrible on you. And also? Your hair doesn’t look very good. But to reiterate, I LOVE YOU.

“Hello. I’m here to eat your soul.”

You look like a tablecloth.

– She looked remarkably uncomfortable all evening.

Foxtrotting with a Dead President

I had a most interesting weekend that involved some very unusual events including (but not limited to): Dancing a foxtrot with George Washington to “Fly Me to the Moon” (while I was in a complete 18th-century outfit), making my parade debut, having my picture taken 9,000 times, and meeting a U.S. Senator (once again, in the complete 18th-century outfit).

Yes, yes, I know. My life is incredibly fabulous.

This weekend was the 200th anniversary of a group here in Charleston that used to be a military organization. They sent soldiers to all the 19th century conflicts- War of 1812, Civil War, Spanish-American War, etc. Now they are one of the seemingly hundreds of organizations in the city that trace their roots back hundreds of years and are really an excuse for the wealthy, blooded elites to congratulate themselves on their grandfathers being slave-owners. Hmmm…that sounds awfully harsh. I don’t mean it to. The majority of them are lovely people and they really do astounding amounts to help preserve our history and our buildings, so I salute and respect them a great deal for that. At least that money is going to some very worthy causes.

Anyway, because of my connection to one of these groups (who own my historic site), I am automatically loosely connected to all the other ones (really, they are extraordinarily incestuous) and because of this connection, and my fabulous historical bad-assness, they asked me to portray and 18th-century character who played an important part in the founding of their organization. So, essentially, I spent the weekend at various glamorous events filled with glamorous, bejeweled, people and lots of very impressive surnames pretending I was someone who has been dead for 200 years. Good times.

The highlight was, without question, the parade. I’d never been in one before! Since I wasn’t one of those kids who took dance or did girl scouts or was in baton twirling or whatever it is that gets you into parades, I never got to march in one. I was always that lonely little girl on the sidelines, crying a single tear because I didn’t get to dress up in a big, Christmas-wrapped cardboard box and waddle down the street. Except I totally didn’t! Because while y’all were all busy trying to keep warm while you were wearing a leotard and tights I was running behind Santa on the fire truck, pushing all of the smaller kids out of the way and scrambling for crushed, asphalt-laden peppermints. Ahhh, childhood.

While the parade itself was loads of fun, it was also rather nerve-wracking. Myself and the 5 other historical characters got to ride in a carriage (thank god, because my reproduction 18th century shoes are like walking in a hollowed-out bricks. That are too small), and our horse, Dennis, was extremely unhappy about being woken up at 8 AM and being forced to drag around a bunch of lazy asses. He was already really antsy when the carriage got there, then he had to stand around while police cars flashed their lights, the Citadel band warmed up by crashing cymbals and running around like idiots, and lots of guys in uniforms walked by him, the little pom poms on their hats brushing up against him and sneaking into his line of sight. I actually felt really sorry for him until they pointed to us and said “ok, guys, that’s your carriage!” Then I just wanted him to calm the fuck down and try not to kill us all.

He did ok, though we almost lost him the first time they fired the cannon (oh yes, I said first, because it was fired three more times). If there hadn’t been another carriage right in front of us, blocking his path, he may have bolted. The best part had to be when we were stopped at the reviewing stand waving at all the dignitaries, and the parade was buzzed by 4 F16s that were shockingly close. It was cool, yes, but Dennis did not like that one bit. He literally jumped straight up into the air, with all 4 legs leaving the ground, which is quite a feat for an incredibly enormous old horse. He didn’t bolt that time either. He just peed. A lot. For about 20 seconds. It was like someone had upended an 80-gallon drum in the middle of the road. In case you didn’t know: Horses? Giant bladders!

But we made it though alive, at least, and the whole time I was thinking “Oh my god! I’m totally going to blog this!” And I got to look pretty in my gown I made, and I got to wave to a lot of little kids, and I didn’t even have to push any of them down for old, smushed candy.

 

Links o’ the day

-Ever wonder about the oh-so-mysterious “Academy?”  Well, here you go.

This is really unsettling to me.  I get what they are trying to do and all, but it just seems to be in such poor taste (although, truthfully, what do you expect from a bunch of College Republicans?).  Immigration is one of those issues where I’m torn.  I have serious issues with the burdens being put on our government by illegal immigrants, but at the same time, this is America.  You know that whole “give us your tired, your poor?”  I think we still need to stand by that.  I don’t have an answer for the problem, but I’m pretty sure it isn’t encouraging people to go out and “hunt” illegal immigrants.  As far as I’m concerned, they aren’t the bad guys.  If they want to stop illegal immigration, why don’t they go tell their daddys to stop hiring them?

*shudder*

Good Riddance!  I’m ready for that herd to thin out.  As far as I’m  concerned, there are only three candidates.  All those other guys out there running have no business even playing with these three.  It will be a waste of money, time, and energy.  Frankly, though, I wish they’d all just take a damn break and give us a chance to breathe a little bit.  I’m already sick of this wretched election, and it hasn’t even truly started yet.  Then again, I’m just sitting back and waiting for my guy to come in and blow them all away.  When that happens, I’ll be all over it.

The most hilarious blog EVER!

Y’all. I have found my new online hero. Somehow, in my acetominophen (how do you spell that?) induced haze, I stubled across a most brilliant blog. *cue fanfare*

Miss Doxie

Not only is this girl smokin’ hot, but she is also completely random, effervescent, and So. Effing. Funny. I, literally, spent HOURS on her site yesterday stalking her.

You all need to go over there and fall in love with her.

Links o’ the day

Prince Harry is going to Iraq. If nothing else, you’ve got to give it up to the Royals for not using special treatment to get him out of it. Nothing like this would ever happen in this country. There’s a reason we have the Texas Air National Guard after all. One of the things that continually pisses me off about this war is the shocking number of senators and congressmen and other higher-ups in the government who don’t have kids serving in the military. And you just know if there was ever a draft, they’d sure as hell get their kids off the list.

I initially clicked on this link because it made me laugh out loud: Ralph Nader: America’s Crank, but the short opinion piece actually makes a lot of sense. I have a love/hate relationship with Ralph Nader. First of all, let me say that polititcally I think he’s ridiculous and he really means nothing to me. But I do agree with him that the two party system is bad for the country. I wish we had more political parties that were viable and had some sort of real stake in the government. On that angle, I really appreciate his dedication to the cause of an independent party. On the other hand, if it weren’t for him, George Bush never would have won the 2000 election and, in all probability, we’d be in a hell of a lot better shape than we are now. And now he is threatening to run again, and will no doubt take votes away from democratic candidates that will amount to nothing more than GOP victories. I guess you have to choose your battles, and I feel like now isn’t the time to be trying to bring down the two-party system. We have bigger fights.

Look y’all. I hate clowns as much as the next guy, but this is a little extreme.

COOL!  And also?  A little bit horrifying.

Oh, and Newsweek? You’re totally on notice! Yesterday, one of your top stories was about Britney Spears and her ridiculous shaven head. Today, you have another Anna Nicole Smith story. Look, that shit isn’t news. That’s gossip. I have places to get my gossip, and you are not one of them. Why don’t you try covering the atrocious conditions at Walter Reed Hospital that everyone seems to be ignoring. (Thanks, Zayne! and P.S. get a real blog so I can link to you!)