More than you wanted to know about a random subway guy

(First:  If already got this on your feed reader, sorry about that.  I formatted it all wrong and didn’t realize it until it was sent out.  Also, I know that the font is weird looking and small.  Sorry about that, too) 

Ok.  I know things are getting bad when my mom starts calling me to harass me about the fact that I haven’t updated my blog in a fortnight.  I mean, at least she isn’t calling me to harass me about getting married or having kids or something, because that would get old IMMEDIATELY and I would probably run out and have my girl parts fixed so I couldn’t have kids just to spite her.  Don’t you wish I was your daughter?

 So I’m actually not going to spend this post writing about how busy and tired and worn smack out I am (except that: Y’all, I am so busy and tired and I am worn smack out by all of this!  When does the getting used to waking up at 6:30 5:30 start?  When do I get to be able to actually function during the week and do all the cooking a cleaning and laundry and such that I need to?  Because it’s starting to kinda pile up.  Like, I need to win the lottery right now because this whole working thing?  Not so great.  I wish starving to death wasn’t so bad, otherwise I’d still just do that.) 

But we’re not talking about that, remember?  I actually have a story to tell you about Boston!  So, if you look over in that little sidebar over there you’ll see a link to one of my all-time favorite websites: Overheard in New York.  If you haven’t been there before, then you should probably do that (and by do that I mean WHY IN THE HELL AREN’T YOU TAKING MY WEBSITE RECOMMENDATIONS SERIOUSLY??).  This website is a collection of thousands and thousands of random snippets over conversations that have been overheard around the city of New York (they’ve also branched out now into an “overheard everywhere” site, but I haven’t really been checking that one much.  The “overheard in the office” is also very funny).  Some of them are funny in their own right, but most of them are funny because they are taken so far out of context that it’s a riot.  Anyway, go look at it for a bit. 

Now as soon as I started commuting (like a big girl!) to work, I was all excited because I figured that I would hear all sorts of hilarious things on the subway . That hasn’t been the case so much, though, because apparently people on the subway are filled with a glum distress that manifests itself with nothing so much as blank and/or bitter stares and the occasional grunt as someone crushes them into a wall or elbow or bar or something else uncomfortable.  The subway rides here are very quiet (and mercifully quick).  They are also very crowded, especially since I am in them at the worst possible times of 8:15 and 5:00. And then, last week, I finally got my wish as I overheard what was one of the most hilarious things I have ever heard. 

I was on the Orange Line at 5:03 and it was very crowded.  Being one of the first people in, I was able to get a seat before the car filled up too much.  A group of three 20-ish guys got on right at the last minute and stood in front of me, maybe 6 inches away from me.  It was very crowded.  One of them was taking about his roommates and he was complaining about one of them. 

Guy #1:  I just hate him so much.  He’s so obnoxious

Guy #2:  Why don’t you just move out?

Guy #1:  Well, I really like all my other roommates and the house is great

Guy #3:  How many roommates do you have?

Guy #1:  Four

Guy #3: How many bedrooms?

Guy #1: Only two bedrooms and we just have one bathroom

Guy #2: Yikes!  That must be really crowded

Guy #1:  Well, it’s good because we all keep different schedules.  We aren’t on top of each other all the time.  I mean, you know, I’ve got time to shave my balls. 

 Guy #2:  *shocked silence*

Guy#3:  Dude.  I cannot believe that you just said that on a packed train.  Dude. 

I mean really!  Can you even BELIEVE that he said that?  And there were at least 20 people about 7 inches away from this guy’s head!  And he wasn’t speaking quietly!  I thought that I. Would. Die.  I tried SO HARD not to dissolve into uncontrollable laughs that I think I probably ruptured my duodenum, whatever the hell that is.  

 That shit is the reason that I’m willing to get up so early.