Alright, y’all. Because I went all “intense” and “deep” and “crazy” yesterday, here’s a really funny joke that my roommate told me last week. You’re welcome.
A man walks into a bar (bet you didn’t see that one coming!).
He sits down at the bar and takes a tiny man and a tiny piano out of his briefcase. He sits the man down at the piano and the guy starts to play.
The bartender says: “Dude! That’s amazing. Where did you get that?”
The man says: “Well, I have a genie that lives in my pocket. I made a wish and this is what I got!”
Bartender: “Wow! Can I make a wish?”
Guy: “Sure. Worth a shot.”
So the bartender thinks about it for a moment, rubs his hands together and says, “Genie! I wish for half-a-million bucks!”
There is a loud crack and the bar fills with smoke. All the sudden they hear quacks everywhere and as the smoke clears, the bar is suddenly full of ducks.
Bartender: “Dammit! I didn’t say ‘ducks.’ I said ‘bucks!'”
Guy: “Yeah, well, the genie is a little hard of hearing. Do you really think I wished for a 12-inch pianist?”
And then my mom left this one in the comments, which made me laugh out loud, so I’m a-postin’ it:
So this guy goes into a bar. On the bar is a gallon jug of $20 bills–almost full. He asks the bartender what the deal is with the $20 bills.
The bartender says that he has to pay $20 to find out…”no way” says the guy. And then he proceeds to drink..after about 4 beers and his curiosity peaking he agrees to find out and places his $20 in the jar.
The bartender then tells him that in order to win all the money in the jar he has to perform three tasks:
(1) There is a quart bottle of the hottest, most potent pepper sauce that exists in the world. You must drink it without comment and exclamations.
(2) There is pit bull out back who has an abscessed tooth–you must pull it.
(3) There is a 90 year old woman upstairs who has never experienced an orgasm–you must satisfy her.
The guy says “you must be crazy! I wouldn’t even drink the pepper sauce; let alone those other things!”
And he realizes he has lost his money.
After about 6 more beers and a couple of bourbon and cokes, he says…”okayyyy…”
He swigs down the bottle of pepper sauce and even though his face gets beet red and he starts sweating like it’s August in Alabama, he doesn’t mutter a sound.
He walks out back and the bartender and all the clients in the bar hear the most god-awful fight that they can imagine…barking, screaming, yelling, growling, biting..it was almost to painful to listen…and then, there is total silence. The bartender tells everyone that he thinks the pit bull has killed the guy.
At that moment the guy walks back into the bar–he is bleeding profusely; his clothes are ripped to shreds; he is barely able to stand…
And he says..
“Sos, okayyyyy…where’s the old haggg wif the baddd tooth…”