You drive like a…?

Boing Boing linked to this brilliant site today: You park like an asshole (dot com). This is a fabulous idea and the website has pdf files you can print out and stick under the windshield of people who park like jackasses, then they can go to the site and find out how to park better (while also getting a much deserved dose of snark). If you need examples of asshole parking, check out their Super Duper Asshole Gallery!

There are few things that frustrate and infuriate me more than people who park with abandon. What goes on in someone’s head that allows them to think “well, I realize that these three parking spaces are clearly labeled “handicapped,” which means they are for people who are somehow disabled, and though I am not handicapped and I am, in fact, a perfectly healthy 23 year-old girl, my SUV is really too large for me to be able to effectively park it in any normal space (and besides, since I’m talking on my cell phone and drinking my venti caramel mocha macchiatto with soy, I shouldn’t be attempting a risky parking job anyway), and while I could park a little farther away where it wouldn’t inconvenience anyone if I parked across two spaces, I’m too lazy to actually walk an extra 15 feet (and please don’t be fooled by the fact that I am wearing workout clothes. They are just for show- I’m actually heading into that tanning salon over there) so instead I’ll just park horizontally across all three of these clearly labeled handicapped spaces?”

(Hi there, run on sentence!)

To these people I want to say: “excuse me while I slash your tires” or “oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t see your car there when I accidentally tripped and spilled this gallon of neon orange interior latex paint (with an eggshell finish) all over it and then proceeded to dry it with a hairdryer so that it would set and therefore ruin your paint finish. Whoopsies!”

I actually have pretty terrible road rage about anything involving automobiles (I’m a grandma. Perhaps I should have said “horseless carriages?”) I will go ahead and admit, freely and without shame, that I am an atrocious driver. I get distracted, I’m bad with directions, I speed. These are all things I recognize and accept, but I try really hard to be conscientious to other drivers out there. I don’t do stupid shit like stop in the middle of the road to talk to someone. I don’t run red lights. I don’t make turns without using my blinker, especially when there is someone ahead of me clearly waiting for me to pass even though I am turning before I get to them. I don’t try to cross 17 lanes of traffic against a light because I missed my turn 25 feet ago therefore completely stopping all other lanes while I figure out what in the hell I am supposed to be doing. When I drive on the interstate I don’t drive 45 goddamn miles an hour in the LEFT lane, completely ignoring the giant line of cars stacking up behind me as well as established traffic rules and the clear signs that say “slower traffic keep left you stupid, selfish cow.” I do not do those things. And when other people do, It makes violent, loud strings of profanity pour forth from my mouth.

I am generally a very calm, patient person. I don’t get upset or stressed about things unless they are a big deal. It takes a hell of a lot of piss me off, unless I am behind the wheel of a car, in which case I suddenly turn into Captain Violent McScreamsALot. Or maybe I should be called The Baroness Von Cursin’andSwearin’stein. I’ve even been known to ball up my fist and shake it at people while I scream (because Hello! Grandma here. Don’t you like my orthopedic shoes and knee high socks?) . It’s really rather embarrassing. I don’t like to lose control.

This has only gotten worse since I moved to Charleston, because the flagrancy at which these people disobey traffic laws, and general common decency, it truly outrageous. A red light means nothing to them and it is typical to see three or four cars go through a light after it has turned. The worst, and most frustrating, is how people will go through a light when it is yellow, despite the fact that the space beyond the light is completely full, consequently blocking the entire intersection and stopping all traffic. Can you not see the sign that says “unlawful to block intersection you stupid, selfish cow?” (surely I’m not the only one who sees this cow part, right?). Do you honestly think that it is more important for you to get through this one light, which will put you at your destination perhaps .1 seconds earlier because the entire fucking road in front of you is full of stopped cars, probably because of other people who did the same damn thing as you, than for all these other people who are now blocked by your unimaginable selfishness to be able to drive on this road? (you stupid, selfish cow!)

So, people, here is my request: be a nice driver. It doesn’t take much, and you will certainly save me from going to an early grave. If you continue to drive with impunity, then I will be forced to buy


2 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by Zayne on March 15, 2007 at 1:00 pm

    “If you fuck like you park then you’ll never get it in.”


  2. I love it! Very true. These people down here seriously leave much to be desired in their driving ‘skills.’ I could write a book about the flagrant violations (often caused by ignorance) of the majority of Charleston drivers.


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