From the Drafts: Spam names

This is part of my “unfinished excellence from the depths of my drafts folder” series.  Enjoy!

I used to get the BEST spam names in my gmail folder.  Periodically, I would just go through them because the made me laugh and laugh, and occasionally one stood out enough for me to put into a blog post that I was going to eventually make…in 2007.  Literally, the last time I edited this before today was March 17th, 2007.  So, here it is in it’s unfinished glory.  I assume they were all to have stories, but alas, we are left to ponder the mystery!   All I can say is thank god that Eon D. Cupcakes was released from the bowels of my Drafts folder!

________

Norse T. Eyebrows -

Englebart Curry - I actually went to high school with a Curry.  I wonder if he is related?

Gerardo MacMullen – I’ve invented some elaborate story about how his father, a burly bekilted Scotsman, left the craggy highlands near Loch Lommond in search of a cure for his beloved sheep, MacFluffah, who had a terrible case of wool crimp (in which the wool grows crinkled instead of curled. MacFluffah was constantly made fun of by the other sheep for having sub-par wool growth, and had to seek company with the goats and with Daddy McMullen, who kept him as a pet). He sought the cure all over the world, eventually ending up in the mountains of Patagonia, having heard from a blind soothsayer he met in a tango bar in Sao Paulo that the natives of that area have invented such a cure for the Alapacas who are raised in that area. While there, he did in fact find a cure for MacFluffah, as well as a cure for his lonely Scottish heart in the form of a daughter of Spanish missionaries- Esmerelda. Gerardo is their only son.

Ola Crowwell - I’m pretty sure I have a great great grandmother with this same name.

Tempos L. Doormat

Dag Black – This is one of those “Max Power” sorts of names.  It sounds like the sports reporter on a local CBS affiliate who was crazy hot in the 80s but now just looks over-tanned and sad.  Like: “Wow, Dag Black really looks rough these days.  Remember that time that Mitzy made out with him in the bathroom of that TGI Friday’s?”

Carpetbagging E. Stromboli (seriously!) – That GODDAMN Stromboli!  Coming down here with his ideas of equality and freedom!  We oughtta take ‘em down by the crick and tan his hide!

Wiggling D. Seminarian – Personally, I prefer my seminarians with extra wiggle.
Brashness O. Ruffling, in the meantime, wrote me an email with this intriguing title: “on marshmellow on auditorium” which I chose to read as “On Marshmellow! On Auditorium!” like I was calling out to my faithful reindeer to mush on, so that I could deliver presents to all of the good children of the world.

Gobnata Leclaire – Doesn’t this sound like a name in Harry Potter?  Like an evil cousin of the Malfoys?  Maybe that is where JK Rowling comes up with her creative names.

Eon D. Cupcake

!!

Oh my god,  y’all!  I’m back!

So, it’s probably just a good idea to pretend that those last few months where I haven’t written a goddamn word were actually full of witty repartee and fabulous jokes.  We’ll all be better off that way.

So let’s just get all this yadda yadda shit out of the way, alright?

I still live in Massachusetts.  I moved to Plymouth in February and it is practically dripping with pilgrims.  In fact, I actually live with two honest-to-god pilgrims.   No really.  They work at Plymouth Plantation.  How ridiculously cool is that?

I’m still working for my giant non-profit and it still pays the bills and I don’t hate it very much.

And this past weekend I went to Washington DC where I held a meteorite worth 1 million dollars that fell in Egypt in the 1910 and, I quote here, “Burned a dog to ashes in mere seconds.”  Also I held another meteorite that is 4.5 BILLION years old and is literally the oldest thing on the planet.  I’m pretty sure that makes me the coolest person that you know.

Jealous?

And because I’ve sorta forgotten how to be funny in writing here’s a link to the best thing I’ve found on the innernets in ages:  Texts from last night.   You probably shouldn’t read this at work, because it made tears stream down my face and I tee-teed in my pants a little bit.  On several occasions.

Are people still even reading this site?   You should comment and let me know if I should try to revive it.

You think THIS is a dirty election…

Daily Kos posted a link to this Hilarious article from Cracked about vile election tactics. 

You think this is the dirtiest election we’ve ever had.  You are so wrong.  I know they were famous for being honorable and straightforward, but the fact is that many of our forefathers were dirt-slingers that would have made Karl Rove proud. 

This is not only a good history lesson, but also hilarious.  The McCain campaign quietly spreads the feeling that Obama is a secret terrorist Muslim?  That’s nothing!  John Quincy Adams one released a pamphlet while running against Andrew Jackson that said, seriously, “General Jackson’s mother was a COMMON PROSTITUTE!”  Why, McCain’s campaign is positively decent compared to some of our forefathers!

Here’s another choice section about President Harrison (a very wealthy man, thought I don’t know if he owned quite as many homes as McCain) who was running as “the common man.”

There were fliers of Harrison positioned next to log cabins to demonstrate his down-to-earth authenticity. They had parades full of log cabin floats to celebrate Harrison. The business of log-cabin-shaped whiskey flasks fucking exploded. Had “I keep my shit real” been a relevant expression at the time, Harrison would’ve been widely acknowledged for the extreme realness with which he kept his shit.
The people absolutely loved it.

But here’s the thing: Harrison’s shit was far from real; it was practically hologram shit. Harrison didn’t live in a log cabin or drink hard cider. He had acres and acres of land. He lived in Ohio. In a mansion. Did that stop anyone from praising his log-cabin-ness? Absolutely not.

This is an awesome article, especially for those history lovers among you.   It’s NSFW due to language, but you need to read it.  If you don’t, I’ll release a broadside calling your mother a COMMON PROSTITUE.  Thy campaign will be wrecked as surely as a hogshead of fine claret fallen off the rear of a spooked-mule drawn cart!

What Sarah Palin named me

Haven’t you been wondering what ridiculous name Sarah Palin would have given you if she was your mom?

Well, now you can find out! Hot Damn!

I’m sorry to say mom and dad, that my name of Taylor just simply isn’t small-town enough. You named me something pretentious and liberal that followed your San Francisco Values and not the small-town values of America. I guess you coulnd’t help it, since you chose to raise me in the bustling metropolis of Waverly, that has the staggering population of 180 people. Mom, Dad: why do you hate America?

So, on that vein, I’ve decided to throw off the yoke of your communo-facist name and adopt my God-Given Sarah Palin approved name. A name of AMERICA.

Ladies and Gentlemen, you can henforce call me:

GEESE WHALEBONE PALIN

So much better than Taylor Autumn. And I think Geeseopolis has a nice ring (honk?) to it, don’t you?

Seriously, this is funny. Go get ya a name!

And you MUST read the comments…that’s the best part.

Do as I say!

I was just perusing my search engine referrals (which have been sadly lacking of late!  I’m usually most entertained by the convoluded and strange things that people search for on the internet, but no crazies have been by lately.  Sad!) and one of them was phrased thusly:

“Internet, find me a funny picture!”

Don’t you love that?  Like, “You there!  Fight that man to the death!  And bring me a jug of mead forthwith whilst I fondle the ample bosom of this lowly serving wench!”  I’m thinking this must be someone who’s a bit new to the world of the interwebz.

Y’all.  Do you think that might have been John McCain!?

In lieu of an actual mother’s day post

Since I spent yesterday slaving away in a field (no, really!) building fences and digging up Jerusalem Artichokes, I wasn’t able to do a Mother’s Day post.

In all the glory that is my mom, she must have sensed my lack of being able to post so she graciously surprised me by essentially writing a post for me.

So here’s one from my mom.  Thanks, mom.  I love you very much.

_______

Taylor, your description of “working in the yard” reminded me of your now (amongst family and friends) famous gardening story…since it is Mother’s Day, I feel I have the right to share it with your blog readers…

So…. Taylor (who was around 6 years old) and I were planting daffodils and other miscellaneous bulbs in a newly dug flower bed in front of the house her dad and I were buiding…Taylor stepped back and took a long slow look at the house, the garden, the beautiful woods and the flowers we had planted…

“You know, Mommy…someday this will all be mine, right?”

“Well Taylor…you never know…when your dad and I get old we might have to sell this place to have enough money to take care of ourselves in our old age.”

Taylor looked up to me with her big, beautiful blue eyes and said in her wonderful little Smurfette voice…”Mommy, you don’t have to worry about that. By the time you get old I will be a rich and famous scientist” (she had not discovered history yet).

(Ed.  And also, I hadn’t discovered science yet, which I failed miserably at.  Who knew that science wasn’t about training dolphins and blowing stuff up?  There was like…math and shit.  What the hell is up with that?)

My heart swelled with pride…what a precious, innocent, unselfish child…in my mind I finished Taylor’s sentence…”and I wil take care of you…”

And as I was gazing down on her with the adoring look that only a mother can give to her child she said:

…”And I will put you in the finest nursing home money can buy!”

Aaaaaand…moment over.  It’s a wonder she kept me around, right?  Doesn’t that make you want to run out and have kids, so that they will tell you they are going to throw you in a home when you get old?  What a little darling I must have been.

More than you wanted to know about a random subway guy

(First:  If already got this on your feed reader, sorry about that.  I formatted it all wrong and didn’t realize it until it was sent out.  Also, I know that the font is weird looking and small.  Sorry about that, too) 

Ok.  I know things are getting bad when my mom starts calling me to harass me about the fact that I haven’t updated my blog in a fortnight.  I mean, at least she isn’t calling me to harass me about getting married or having kids or something, because that would get old IMMEDIATELY and I would probably run out and have my girl parts fixed so I couldn’t have kids just to spite her.  Don’t you wish I was your daughter?

 So I’m actually not going to spend this post writing about how busy and tired and worn smack out I am (except that: Y’all, I am so busy and tired and I am worn smack out by all of this!  When does the getting used to waking up at 6:30 5:30 start?  When do I get to be able to actually function during the week and do all the cooking a cleaning and laundry and such that I need to?  Because it’s starting to kinda pile up.  Like, I need to win the lottery right now because this whole working thing?  Not so great.  I wish starving to death wasn’t so bad, otherwise I’d still just do that.) 

But we’re not talking about that, remember?  I actually have a story to tell you about Boston!  So, if you look over in that little sidebar over there you’ll see a link to one of my all-time favorite websites: Overheard in New York.  If you haven’t been there before, then you should probably do that (and by do that I mean WHY IN THE HELL AREN’T YOU TAKING MY WEBSITE RECOMMENDATIONS SERIOUSLY??).  This website is a collection of thousands and thousands of random snippets over conversations that have been overheard around the city of New York (they’ve also branched out now into an “overheard everywhere” site, but I haven’t really been checking that one much.  The “overheard in the office” is also very funny).  Some of them are funny in their own right, but most of them are funny because they are taken so far out of context that it’s a riot.  Anyway, go look at it for a bit. 

Now as soon as I started commuting (like a big girl!) to work, I was all excited because I figured that I would hear all sorts of hilarious things on the subway . That hasn’t been the case so much, though, because apparently people on the subway are filled with a glum distress that manifests itself with nothing so much as blank and/or bitter stares and the occasional grunt as someone crushes them into a wall or elbow or bar or something else uncomfortable.  The subway rides here are very quiet (and mercifully quick).  They are also very crowded, especially since I am in them at the worst possible times of 8:15 and 5:00. And then, last week, I finally got my wish as I overheard what was one of the most hilarious things I have ever heard. 

I was on the Orange Line at 5:03 and it was very crowded.  Being one of the first people in, I was able to get a seat before the car filled up too much.  A group of three 20-ish guys got on right at the last minute and stood in front of me, maybe 6 inches away from me.  It was very crowded.  One of them was taking about his roommates and he was complaining about one of them. 

Guy #1:  I just hate him so much.  He’s so obnoxious

Guy #2:  Why don’t you just move out?

Guy #1:  Well, I really like all my other roommates and the house is great

Guy #3:  How many roommates do you have?

Guy #1:  Four

Guy #3: How many bedrooms?

Guy #1: Only two bedrooms and we just have one bathroom

Guy #2: Yikes!  That must be really crowded

Guy #1:  Well, it’s good because we all keep different schedules.  We aren’t on top of each other all the time.  I mean, you know, I’ve got time to shave my balls. 

 Guy #2:  *shocked silence*

Guy#3:  Dude.  I cannot believe that you just said that on a packed train.  Dude. 

I mean really!  Can you even BELIEVE that he said that?  And there were at least 20 people about 7 inches away from this guy’s head!  And he wasn’t speaking quietly!  I thought that I. Would. Die.  I tried SO HARD not to dissolve into uncontrollable laughs that I think I probably ruptured my duodenum, whatever the hell that is.  

 That shit is the reason that I’m willing to get up so early. 

A gem from my mother

I had to drag this out of the comments, just to make sure you all got a chance to read it.

Here is my mother’s response to my recent dissatisfaction with the current state of the house (to give a bit of background, the house I grew up in was built entirely by my parents from the ground up.  It was a work in progress for the vast majority of my youth):

Taylor, I remember the first time my in-laws (your grandparents)came to visit us in our “new” home in Waverly, AL. The house was seriously under construction. Your grandparents had to sleep in the downstairs area on an old rusty double bed (probably with stains on the mattress from where Roscoe pushed the back door open and sneaked in on stormy nights where he gleefully snoozed until we discovered him and dragged his black ass outside–for those who don’t know, he was a black lab, y’all!). [Ed: This made me just almost wet my pants. I can just imagine y'all thinking that we kept an old black man in the back yard or something!]

If that doesn’t sound so bad you have to realize it was spring in Alabama; there had been a lot of rain and the house wasn’t exactly dried in. There were puddles about 1/2″ deep in the “guest bedroom”. In preparation of impending important visitors we had tried our best to sweep the water off of the unfinished concrete slab but the unevenness of the floor continued to allow the puddles to form and the unrelenting humidity prevented the evaporation of the water.
The positive side was that your grandparents could climb into the bed without getting their feet wet if they stayed on the high side of the floor.

Of course, the mosquitoes had already found the puddles and since there were no screens on the windows (wait…what windows?!) and no air-conditioning, the environment in which my in-laws (your grandparents) had to spend several nights began to take on an uncanny likeness to a steamy night in the Everglades. I think there were even tree frogs who had taken up residence in that bedroom…

Brilliant stuff, I tell you!

This made me laugh so hard I am in pain. PAIN.

This is the greatest movie intro in the history of the universe. It isn’t entirely safe for work, but it isn’t graphic or anything like that. Just very, very funny.

(Thanks Freakgirl!)

THOR!

On Facebook (yes, I’m on facebook.  Shut it.), they have this new thing where you can draw pictures for people, and I wanted to share the masterpiece* that I drew for my friend Marc (with a C, who comments here often).

*Masterpiece is a relative term here, y’all, because you have to draw with your mouse and it would appear that I have terrible mouse control.

Check me out.  I’m an artiste!

So do I. Should I be feeling bad about this?

Overheard last night at the Battery game, coming from the group of drunken pseudo-frat boys sitting next to us, as they were trying desperately to harass the players on the other team:

Drunky (To # 17 Zach Scott):  “HEY NUMBER 17!  YOU…YOU… YOU HAVE TWO FIRST NAMES!!”

*blink*

*blink blink*

Seriously?  Seriously? 

That’s your idea of trash talk?

It was so bad that I literally stared at him open-mouthed, and when he turned and caught my eye, I gave him a stern look and shook my head.

We got up and moved shortly thereafter.  I can handle drunken idiots, but only if they are making me laugh.

Damnation!

That stupid, wretched brat got out of jail after only 3 days!

Ugh.  UGGGGHHHHHHH.

Well, at least she got a hilarious sendoff:

* It’s criminal how much glee I get out of her trying not to cry.  Bitch.

LOL Presidents

Are y’all familiar with the concept of LOL Cats?  (if you are, just bear with me here.  I promise this will be good).  Basically what happens with LOL cats is that people take pictures of their cats (or other animals) and add random, grammatically incorrect captions that are full of silliness.  I think they are absolutely hilarious, as do other people, because one of the big sites I CAN HAS CHEEZBURGER? is the fastest growing blog on wordpress right now.   It is complete and utter silliness, but it makes me laugh so hard that my stomach hurts.

For example:

See?  Funny, right?

So maybe you aren’t amused by that.  Or looking at  pictures of cats seems, oh I don’t know, so crazy old lady maybe?   Well, now you are safe, because Boing Boing linked to a shockingly hilarious collection of LOL Presidents today that has made tears stream down my face.  It is absolutely ludicrous, but in a historically arrogant way, which I totally appreciate.

Some of the best:

Now that shit is FUNNY.

Here are more.  LOTS more.

Caption this picture!

Seen on my way home from the grocery store today:

Here’s mine:  “Dude, Chris.  You’ve got a tough act to follow.”

Heeee!

Some funny, courtesy of the (used to be consistently funny, now only occasionally funny) Married to the Sea: