So, I don’t watch much TV. I used to. I used to watch crazy amounts of TV. That mostly came of having a roommate who was OBSESSED with television. She loved it and she got engrossed in shows and scheduled her week around what was on. When I lived with her, it was easy to catch her fervor and I will admit to spending hours camped in front of an “I Love the 80s” marathon. Then, I moved to my house in downtown Charleston and I kept putting off getting my cable hooked up and then…well…I just didn’t miss it anymore. One day I went, wait…I don’t miss TV! And lo, from that point on I never had cable in Charleston. I did occasionally watch TV and by occasionally I mean THE WORLD WILL STOP WHEN SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE IS ON! And I also watched a LOT of CSI thanks to my roommate Leezle who had every single blessed episode in convenient DVD format. Miracle of Miracles!
Now we do have cable now, but it is mostly used to watch the Weather Channel and CNN and Stewart/Colbert. And we are certainly guilty of watching Dirty Jobs for hours on end and nothing makes me happier than watching Bear Grylls naked rump cavorting in arctic rivers or climbing into recently-skinned cadavers of camels (though his isn’t usually naked then). (Wait…you do know who Bear Grylls is, right? Host of Man Vs. Wild, which is the much hotterbetter version of Survivor Man? Well, Bear Grylls is just about my favorite person alive. He is Welsh and dashing and charming and does ridiculously dangerous things in the name of Television. Thanks to him, I now know what to do in the event that I find myself stuck in the middle of a glacier [glass-ier as he pronounces it]. The answer: Get the hell out!)
(oh, except sometimes he drinks his own pee, which isn’t so hot)
JESUS CHRIST! I have a point here people and that is: I don’t watch much TV. So, therefore, I find myself susceptible to to getting sucked in by shows that are called: DATELINE: People Who Should Be Dead But Miraculously Aren’t! Dum dum daaaaaah! Watch as we show you videos of people dying the die of death! But then they didn’t! Certain death, we tell you! And yet not! Amazing!
It was a complete accident that I stumbled into watching this show. I was sucked in my the Olympic swimming trials that I was only going to watch for just a minute while I cleaned. It was background noise! And yet, an hour later I found myself sitting on the floor in front of the TV scarcely able to breathe as I fell prey to the exuberance of sportscasters. I can’t help it. I find Rowdy Gaines to be mesmerizing.
Let me tell you, Internet, those people certainly know how to catch you off guard and force you to keep watching. I challenge anyone to turn away from “Up next! Watch this AMAZING video of a plane disintegrating as it crashes into the sea and then hear from the survivors! These five morons jumped off a bridge and lived! Proof positive that Darwin was WRONG! And then: Watch as a pack of hyenas rip a woman apart and eat her organs and then hear her side of the story! Coming up next! Don’t go away!
So this was a show about the top 10 certain death videos that people managed to live through. They were pretty amazing, I’ll give them that. There was a plane bursting into flame and exploding on the tarmac, and guy jumping out of an airplane to go skydiving then getting caught upside down on the underside of the plane and hanging there while the plane landed, slamming him into the ground at whatever speed those little planes fly. The one about the airplane crash landing in the ocean was really amazing and horrifying. Hmmm…I’m seeing a theme here: Airplanes will kill yo’ ass! Well, expect that these people lived. Ok…airplanes will almost kill yo’ ass and then also leave you with severe emotional scarring.
I did eventually turn it off at number 4 when the semi-Asian host said “People risk their lives everyday to save strangers, but would you do it for a dog?” Nope! And off goes the TV. It had finally broken its hold.