Damn, y’all. I had this really great post all worked out in my head about my trip to the spa, but I’m so swamped. Pete and I are leaving tomorrow morning to spend the rest of the week in Alabama with my parents, and between entertaining him, planning the trip, and work I just don’t have time to be witty.
Here’s a short synopsis:
Part I: The Bikini Wax
Nice lady with cute hair: Where do you live, what do you do, I’m so chatty and friendly and cute. Chatty chatty chat chat. You like me. This wax is nice and warm and yadda yadda yadda yadda, not to hot is it, dear?
Me: Oh look at me I’m a spa pro. I’m happy and friendly and my boyfriend is coming in town in a few hours. Chat chat chat…
Nice lady with cute hair: Ok, hon, you ready?
Me: …Yeah, go ahead, blabbity blab blab…(and she tears off the wax strip)…OOOHHH MY GOD YOU STUPID FUCKING BITCH. I WILL COME TO YOUR HOUSE AND MURDER YOUR CHILDREN.
Very, very mean lady with hatred in her eyes: There, that wasn’t so bad, right?
Me: *sobs quietly*
Part II: Facial
(still with the newly christened Very Mean Lady)
Very Mean Lady: Ok, sweetie, now just lay back in this incredibly comfortable heated bed/chair combo. Now feel this warm steam on your face. Nice, right?
Me: I still hate you with the fire of a thousand suns, but you’re making up for it.
Slightly less mean lady: Look at your pretty skin! I don’t feel like I have to do anything to make you pretty! (oh, she’s good)
Me: Hey, that feels great. This cleanser you are putting on my face smells wonderful. Ohh! Exfoliation! Hooray! Oh, ok, a mask…sweet. But it vaguely smells and feels like Spackle.
Once again cute and nice lady: Now I’m going to let this mask sit for about 15 minutes and while I do, I’m going to give you a scalp massage.
Me: Hot damn! That’s my favorite I love it when peoplzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Even nicer (perhaps even a little holy?) lady: Alright hon, I’m all done here. You just take your time in this nice warm bed and when you’re ready put on this nice soft robe. From now on you’ll be with Benjamin, who’s going to do your sea salt scrub and massage.
Me: mmmmm….okie dokey…I’ll just wait for my body to re-solidify and then I’ll be out…WAIT! Benjamin? I’m getting my massage from a guy?
The Virgin Mary: Yeah, he’s great, does it bother you that a guy is going to be doing this?
Me: Oh, no! Not at all. Look at how cool and collected I am. I’m such a professional awesome spa-goer that things like this roll right off of me. Anyway, I’m sure he is either A) a 40-year old uber tanned guy wearing a gold chain or B) a 19 year old queen. And I couldn’t care less if either one of them thought I was or was not attractive.
Mary: Enjoy it!
Part III & IV: Massage and Scrub
Me: La la la…I’m so relaxed…this is awesome. Where’s my massage guy?
Adonis: Hi. I’m Benjamin. I’m going to be rubbing my perfect hands all over your naked body for the next 2 hours
23-year old Adonis: Just come into this room, take off all your clothes, and lay on the table. Here’s the sheet you can cover up with. Did I mention you’re going to be naked? And that I’m hot?
Me: *proceeds as ordered* *waits* *is suddenly nervous about this HOT guy seeing her almost naked*
Tall, dark haired Adonis: Alright Taylor, I’m going to start out with the massage and then blah blah blah I’m hot blah blah blah yeah, I’m like 6’2 blah blah and do you see how perfect my eyebrows are? yeah, I know
Me: ok, this isn’t so bad. My god, his hands are so soft. I wonder what he uses. Oh you silly girl, he gives massages and exfoliates all day…of course his hands are soft! Damn-it! Relax! You’re supposed to be enjoying….HOLY SHIT HIS HANDS ARE ON MY ASS. MY BARE, NAKED ASS!!
Perfectly be-eyebrowed Adonis: Yeah, that’s right. Your ASS! And I’m hot!
And, well, it went on like this for about 2 hours. I eventually got used to the fact that an incredibly hot guy who was not my boyfriend was seeing my mostly naked body, and with the exception of a few “oh my god! you’re touching my arm fat!” moments, it was a damn good massage.
So I left relaxed and buffed and massaged and moisturized and purified and gentrified (wait, maybe not gentrified) and then I went and picked up my super hot boyfriend at the airport! And Adonis may have had perfect eyebrows, but he’s no Pete.
We’re off tommorow morning to Alabama. I seriously doubt I’ll be around, but I’ll make sure to remember all the funny things that happen (though, sadly, the funny quotient will be lessened since my parent’s pet goat, Leonard, died last week [Yes, I'm being serious] [yes, his name was really leonard] [yes, my parents are hilarious and crazy]. And there is nothing funnier than a goat named Leonard.) But hell! It’s still Alabama! And he’s still a yankee! And my parents are still full of excitement! So I’m sure something funny will happen. See y’all next week!